express

22nd Feb - Clean Since

2009-03-07T01:31:00.000-08:00

We're on Mar 7 and I've been clean since the 22nd of Feb.
This is TWO WEEKS TOMORROW.
In the meantime I've purchased some VPS hosting and got a PROPER blog (no offence to google, they made it very easy for me to sign up and vent when I needed to): http://lynysys.com/blog/

and although there are still some other behaviours that I engage in that are less than helpful, with a clear head I can see them for what they are, just that.

Anyone else who needs help and support, I'd recommend they go to http://www.43things.com/things/view/47000/stop-smoking-marijuana and send a few people some cheers and encouraging comments.

Peace be with you all (Oh dear, I still sound like a hippie).

Two Days and Counting

2009-02-24T09:22:00.000-08:00

Certainly having fun here. I've had 2 days of uninterrupted sobriety.

Although I feel a bit down, I feel nowhere near as down as I did on Saturday (Then I was just about ready to throw myself off the nearest precipice).

OK, so I've not experienced a new state of uber-productivity, but I never was that kind of person anyway (even before I started dope-smoking). Several resources I've read refer to a "low level" feeling of flu that may persist for a while - at least I'm prepared for this.

I have worries and problems just like everyone else, with luck (Although Brian Tracy Tells us there is no such thing) I'll be able to focus less on my problems but rather the solutions to my problems.

I know that I haven't any real excuses for not achieving what I want in life. After all, I've listened to countless hours of self improvement material. Only thing missing now is that fire, that urge from within to make the changes that I want.

OK, scratch that - the fire is there, for example it is here stirring in my loins - perhaps it is the way I use and direct the fire that is at issue here.

kfirstpostd: Comment Made

2009-02-21T10:52:00.000-08:00

My little outlet.

Weed is out again, smashed bong, bud down the bowl which should prevent me from taking it tomorrow.

When I said "I like being high, but not being stoned", what I really meant was - "I want good feelings with no real work or consequences". Don't we all.

In many different chapters in my life, since about the age of 18 (During my "Initiation" into adulthood ; A paid trip to the smoky district of Amsterdam) weed has been there.

It started purely as a recreational inebriant, and that's what it remained for some time.
But all the time things were happening in my life. My THC addled brain could not rationally deal with what was happening and everything got filed under "Todo".

I know that, with my crutches destroyed, the next few weeks my mind and body will again reach a state of equilibrium. The only answer to the problem "I don't feel good", is to ask why and then do something about it.

I got through 18 years of my life without this drug. I can get through the next 18 surely without its "help".

This is definitely written during a low, the low of feeling "burnt out". The low of imitative chemicals dancing around my synapses trying to fill in for "Real feelings" but they cannot mask or disguise their true nature.

They are not real, the chemical, while "a natural substance" is an attacking and maurauding invader sweeping across the great mental landscape. I will now leave the work of affecting my emotional state to those chemicals in my mind already.

I have so much to live for Right Now that my continued dependence on a drug like this could only be seen as a tragedy.

I must go and lie down.